Completely and unashamedly plagiarized from the Center for Parent/Youth Understanding's podcast (that you can listen to for yourself here). These are 5 "non-negotiables" when it comes to having conversations with your teenager about sex and sexuality.
1. Start with what God is FOR, not what God is AGAINST. When we "speak" for God, much of the time it's in the form us of explaining to our kids what God says "NO" to, instead of what God says "YES" to. This is especially true concerning sex. We need to help our kids understand that God created sex and sexuality, and that they're inherently good, not inherently bad. More carrot less stick. By being overly negative about sex, or by only talking about how sex can get us into trouble instead of talking more about how sex is beneficial (in the right, God-defined context, which we'll get to), we discourage healthy conversations between us and our kids that need to happen more regularly.
2. Choose Your Words Carefully. Start talking about sexual "INTEGRITY" over sexual "PURITY". Traditionally, Christians have used the terminology of telling our kids they need to seek "Purity", meaning, "Don't give yourself to anyone else so that you can maintain your purity." Christians have tended to lean on trying to get their kids to think about sex as something they keep locked away, not to let out until the right time. However, no matter how hard we try, our kids are going to screw up. Maybe not in the literal sense of having sex as in literally "sexual intercourse", but at the very least by viewing pornography, or engaging in other sexual behaviors. When screw ups and bad decisions happen, we don't want our kids to think they're "used up" and no longer "clean". Making the switch to talking about sexual "integrity" over "purity" creates a better kind of conversation, because the conversation isn't so "binary" anymore, like "did you or didn't you screw up?" Screws aren't so "permanent" in a sense, and we can coach our kids towards better decision-making without them having to feel so dirty.
3. Debunk Media Myths About Sex. The average 13-18 year old spends NINE hours per day connected to media/devices (NOT including media/devices used at/for school and school work). What do you think those NINE hours/day of media are teaching our kids about what is "normal" for sex and sexuality? What do Niki Manaj, Justin Beiber, and Kanye have to say to our kids about what their sexuality should look like? We have to use what our kids are watching and listening to as teaching moments, without going so far as to say "You can't listen to them anymore!" We have to be the primary educators in our kids lives when it comes to teaching them discernment in media consumption. We have to teach them how to recognize for themselves what their songs/movies/media is wrongly trying to teach them, as compared to a biblical sexual ethic.
4. The PURPOSE for Sex. God created sex for four purposes, which society tends to get all mixed up and backwards.
- First, sex completes/validates a marriage relationship (two becoming permanently one)--defined in Genesis 2, God's provision for families.
- Procreation--having your own family.
- Intimacy with your spouse.
- Pleasure (it feels good!)
Today's culture teaches that the FOURTH bullet is all you need to say "yes" to sex, and that seriously screws up the ability of the other three bullets to have an amazingly positive affect on their lives.
5. The PLACE for Sex. According to God's grand and ordered design: monogamous, committed, heterosexual marriage is God's only place for sex. Genesis 2, Mathew 5, Matthew 19, and Mark 10 are all places where God the Father, and Jesus Christ himself, give voice and vision to the design of sex and sexuality. Helping our kids understand that God isn't saying "NO" to their desire for sex, but is just trying to give them a definition for where sex will be most enjoyable, is key to having constructive conversations that will lead to their happier, healthier, and HOLIER way of life.
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