Shoal Creek ParenTeen - The Battle of Feelings

 

For the Greeks and Romans, the great human struggle was between the mind and the passions. If you wanted to achieve strength, courage, self-control, and wisdom, you learned to sublimate the emotions to the dictates of reason. 

For modern people, the great struggle is almost the reverse. We believe our deepest feelings are “who we really are” and we must not repress or deny them. 

I was reading this blog post by Timothy Keller this morning, and these quotes really hit home, I think because students (and ourselves as well), struggle significantly with the above concept, and how it relates to life.

We are all emotional beings, that is for sure. But, adolescents tend to be what we might call “more” emotional than your average adult, largely due to the fact that they’re exploring their emotions and their feelings in new ways with new eyes. They’re feeling things they’ve never felt before and trying to figure out what the purpose of those feelings are. They’re trying to understand what those feelings say about their core identity and individuality. Our teens are in a very vulnerable place because of this state of emotional sifting, weighing and parsing that we call adolescence. 

In a bubble, that’s not all bad in and of itself. Teens need freedom to figure out what their feelings are and what their feelings say about them. The problem comes in when, like Keller suggests above, our society’s general stance on feelings proclaims to our teens, “You ARE your feelings. If you feel something, you have permission to act on it. If you deny your feelings, then you’re repressing yourself, which isn’t healthy.” There is no nameable figure to point to that is issuing this statement on life, but this statement comes through very subversively (yet loudly) in the movies, on TV, through the internet, and within social media that our teens are inundated. 

I think a big part of what we have to do as parents and mentors is help them see (mostly from sharing our own experiences) that life isn’t as simple as that. Students need to learn that, “Yes, what you feel DOESsay a lot about you, but your feelings do not define you. Your feelings come from who you are, but that does not mean your feelings are who you are. And that means that you are in control of your path through life. A person can be in control of the change they want to see happen, instead of being held hostage to whatever the predominant emotion du jour may be.”

We have to teach our adolescents that there is something deeper that exists as more foundational to our being than either our feelings, or even our thoughts. That deeper, more foundational piece of who we are is what the bible calls our “heart.”

In Keller’s post (which I strongly encourage you to read in full), he goes on to say:

The “heart” to English speakers means the emotions. But the Bible also says our thinking comes from the heart, as well as our willing, our plans and decisions. This confuses us until we realize the Bible’s view of human nature is revolutionary, different than what you find in other human systems of thought.  

The heart is used as a metaphor for the seat of our most basic orientation, our deepest commitments — what we trust the most; it is what we most love and hope in, what we most treasure, what captures our imagination. Every heart has an inclination, something it is directed toward. The direction of the heart, then, controls everything — our thinking, feeling, and decisions and actions. What we most love we find reasonable, desirable, and doable. Whatever we cherish in our hearts most controls the whole person. No wonder Jesus is so concerned about our hearts…

…You can’t change merely by changing your thinking, or through great acts of will, but rather by changing what you love most. Change happens not only by giving your mind new truths — though it does involve that — but also by feeding the imagination new beauties so you love Jesus supremely. We change when we change what we worship the most.

We can help our adolescents the most by, in our own lives, setting our hearts on Jesus, by getting to know Jesus personally (through reading the bible and prayer). Through our deepened relationship with Jesus we will be able to verbalize and share the heart changes Jesus does in us, so that our teens can see that they DO have some say in who they are, what they feel, and who they can become.

Shoal Creek ParenTeen - Three Dangerous Lies That Teenage Girls Believe

This is kind of a “Part 2” in response to last week’s post that was concerning dangerous lies that teenage boys believe. “All Pro Dad” created the original article here, but below are their main points, and a couple of my thoughts regarding three dangerous lies that teenage girls believe.

1. “I need to look or be a certain way to be loved.”

The media creates an image that they say defines beauty. Immature teenage boys accept the definition and trip over each other for the girls they believe fit that description or come the closest. This only reinforces that definition of what is attractive in the minds of teen girls. Every girl wants to fit that description because she equates that picture with being worthy of love. It is shown in every fairy tale and “pretty princess” story she watched as a child. So she does whatever she can to fit into that mold. She is no longer satisfied with who she is — only what she thinks she should be. When a girl sees she doesn’t fit that mold (few actually think they do, even the popular ones), her opinion of herself drops. When she believes this lie, she says to herself: “I need to lose weight, then people will like me. I don’t fit in. I’m not worth as much as those girls. If I am myself, others won’t like me. If others know the truth about me, they’ll reject me. I’m not pretty. I’m not good at anything. I’ll never be loved.”

2. “My self-worth depends on the approval or attention of others.”

Her entire focus becomes meeting the expectations of others. She stresses out trying to meet the approval of parents, teachers, and coaches, but mainly, friends and boys. When faced with disapproval or lack of attention, she ceases to feel good about herself. Eventually, she becomes more and more desperate; she goes to increasingly drastic lengths to achieve attention and approval. These things can include forfeiting core beliefs, succumbing to peer pressure, using drugs/alcohol, and engaging in sexual activity. When she believes this lie, she says to herself: “I have to be perfect. I’m not good enough. Nobody loves me. I’m worthless. If I had a boyfriend, I’d feel complete. I’m unimportant. I’m not valuable. Others think negatively about me. I must meet certain standards in order to feel good about myself. I must have the approval of certain others to feel good about myself. I’ll never be good enough. I’m stupid. I can’t make good close friends.”

3. “I’m ruined.”

If the last lie plays out fully and there is failure, she may buy into the lie that she is ruined — damaged goods with no possible way of recovery or wholeness. She is flooded with feelings of shame and guilt, especially when there is moral failure. Overwhelmed and hopeless, the best way she sees to deal with the guilt and shame is to bury it down deep or numb it. Otherwise, she may also become apathetic or rebellious. When she believes this lie, she says to herself: “I’m a failure. Those who fail are unworthy of love and deserve to be punished. Nothing matters anymore. It doesn’t matter what I do anymore.”

What do we do when we come across a list like this? Or any other “3 Things That…” type post? 

1 – Reflect on each statement as it relates to the uniqueness of my kid. My guess is that all of these lies affect my child to some degree, but some will carry more weight than others.

2 – Figure out which statement is currently most relevant, and most affecting my child, and choose to work on replacing that lie with truth.

3 – Not sure how to replace those lies with “truth”? Message me. Would love to get together and walk you through how to have meaningful conversations with your son about this kind of stuff!

Shoal Creek Student Family Connection - 2/10

Here are some notes about the week, plus several upcoming ways for your family to get or stay connected:

• Justin really needs some help for this year’s Shoal Creek “Frozen” Valentine’s Dance.  Available on Thursday 2/12 from 5:30-7pm to help decorate? Please let Justin now you can help byRSVP’ing here.
• NO Crash small groups this Wednesday, INSTEAD, please attend our Dance Decorating night (see above link).
• “Frozen” Family Valentine’s Dance this Friday night, 6-8:30pm.Details here.
• Last week’s ParenTeen Post - “5 Dangerous Lies Teenage Boys Believe”

Here’s what’s available to students and how we communicate to student families weekly.

1. “Buya” program every Sunday, 9:30am and 11am in the Underground for all 6th-8th grade students.
2. “Crash” program every Sunday, 11am only, in the Attic for 9th-12th grade students.
3. Crash Small Groups are available during the week for students looking to go deeper on their spiritual journey. Message Justin Talley if you have a student who is interested.
4. Join the “Buya Parents” or the “Crash Parents” City groups if you want weekly info on upcoming events.

Wanting more information about what Shoal Creek offers for students that you don’t see here? Contact Justin Talley on the City by message, or start following our Shoal Creek Students Twitter account—@SC3Students—to be connected with the latest happenings.

Shoal Creek ParenTeen - Five Dangerous Lies Teenage Boys Believe

I came across this post by All Pro Dad this past week. It delved into five lies that teenage boys generally buy into that can cause serious damage in their lives. As I read through them, I could definitely think back to my teenage years and see how I bought into them, and how subsequently, my buying into them led to significant amounts of pain on my journey.

“My value is based on my achievements.”

They believe they are only as good as their last game, grade, compliment, and trophy. Those that buy into this lie live with an anxiety every day. Fear of failure and affirmation is the driving force. When failure arrives, it defines them. They constantly compare themselves to others and never feel good enough. The others all have the key to success that he does not have.

“Losing my virginity will make me a man.”

This is looked at as a rite of passage. When their peers begin to experience sex, they feel as though they are left behind. It is as if their peers have become men and they are still a boy. Sadly, sex becomes viewed as a goal to be achieved like getting a driver license or getting into college. The true design, context, and beauty of sex gets lost in a manhood conquest. This lie leaves battered and bruised hearts in its wake.

“I need to have it all together.”

They believe they should have all of the answers and not have any struggles. Be strong at all times, conquer every challenge, and meet every requirement. When things get difficult, man up and take care of business. Anything less may define them as weak. This is an isolating and stress-filled road that I’ve seen many teenage boys walk. They feel pressure from teachers, coaches, and parents. What happens more often is they work harder at upholding an image of strength and competency, rather than the actual thing. Maturity and growth end up being stunted because they are projecting a face.

“The value of a man is in his net worth.”

Teenage boys don’t make a lot of money, but the teenage years are where this lie finds roots. The people our culture defines as “successful” or “doing well” are always people that make a lot of money. When they believe this lie, they will seek out vocations that earn a high wage, rather than where their talents and passions lead. They potentially miss doing things that fill them with enthusiasm which is truly rich. Another fallout is their attitude toward the poor or even themselves when they earn a lower wage. Integrity gets thrown in the trash pretty quickly when a boy believes his personal worth is found in the size of his bank account.

What do we do when we come across a list like this? Or any other “5 Things That…” type post? 

1 – Reflect on each statement as it relates to the uniqueness of my kid. My guess is that all of these lies affect my child to some degree, but some will carry more weight than others.

2 – Figure out which statement is currently most relevant, and most affecting my child, and choose to work on replacing that lie with truth.

3 – Not sure how to replace those lies with “truth”? Message me. Would love to get together and walk you through how to have meaningful conversations with your son about this kind of stuff!